lets chat self esteem

For the last few days I’ve had a topic weighing heavy on my heart. Heavier than usual at least. I wanna talk about self esteem and how we let our thoughts about our bodies sometimes dictate what kind of life we can live. I remember in grade school I was always really self conscious, but then in high school all the insecurities I had exploded and multiplied. I cared so much about what these people who really I would only know for 4 years thought about me. I cared so much about what they thought about my appearance. I wouldn’t participate in any type of extracurricular activities and I didn’t go out of my way to seek new friendships. I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything I was just shy and too worried about what people thought of me to go outside my bubble. I let my own insecurities stop me from participating in things I may have loved, I always said well someday I can do that, wear that, eat that, go there, hangout with them etc. if…..I lost weight. If I didn’t look this way. If I was thinner. Even now I describe my high school experience as going in, doing the bare minimum, keeping my head down and getting the hell out of there! I hated it, and I wonder if I cared less about my body image if I would have enjoyed it more. Anyway, flash forward to now. 26 year old Gina married, mama, and much more comfortable as the plus sized woman I am yet I sometimes face the same feelings I did as an awkward teen. I have always battled with body image issues, in fact I cannot tell you a time in my life my weight wasn’t something I thought about. After pregnancy like many women I was struggling with my body in a few different ways but weight being the main thing. I went through several stages of panic about my body after giving birth. I felt genuinely ashamed of how I looked, and my weight then on top of feeling bad about myself I felt bad about feeling bad! I did a diet for a week and then would give up, I tried exercising and just felt discouraged. I tried not dieting and just pretending to be okay with it but really I was not okay with it. I found myself swirling in the same fears, and insecurities I did in high school. Not to mention the unhealthy habits like over thinking and over criticizing. The same negative emotions that pulled me away from people I cared about, and kept me from living life like I deserved too. Now 10 months PP I am finally able to see things with clarity. I see what my distructive cycle was and that it can still creep up on me at times. I’m able to take a step back and realize I was feeding my shame by bullying myself. I’ve been able to see myself for who I am as a human being instead of my size. My hope in writing this is not for people to feel bad for me it’s so that someone who has been through something similar can see they aren’t alone in those thoughts. Self love is a journey and it takes time to break bad habits of self destructive talk and behavior. Giving yourself permission to love yourself as you are is key to moving forward though. Even if one person who has been through something similar sees this and makes a tiny change for themselves it was time well spent. Life is fragile and beautiful and we only have so much time to enjoy it so why not be your most authentic self, radiating love, and doing what you love today and everyday. I know I’m not waiting around for “someday” anymore. I also know its easier said than done but maybe this will touch you, and you’ll feel inspired. I was inspired by a few other women online and that tiny spark of inspiration really launched me into a good place of heeling. Sending lots of love -Gina